


A Whole Roast Porg

by universal_reno



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Admiral Brooks Must Die, Armitage Hux Has Issues, Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Minor mental breakdowns, Protective Kylo Ren, Revenge, Shocking table manners, murder plots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:08:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23456047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/universal_reno/pseuds/universal_reno
Summary: Hux isn't acting like himself. Ren is concerned. This can only end with blood, and possibly also cuddles.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 115





	A Whole Roast Porg

**Author's Note:**

> This whole thing is based on a comment my dad made long ago to the effect of 'you'll know your life has gone tits up when you find yourself standing over the kitchen sink eating a Publix rotisserie chicken with your bare hands'. With apologies to the porg and Hux's dignity, quarantine got me crazy like that.

Ren froze as he stepped into Hux's quarters. Everything looked just as it had the last time he was there, but something felt off. There was a certain tension in the air; an edge of madness to the Force energy that pervaded the space. 

"Hux?" Ren took a tentative step forward, hand on his saber. Light spilled into the living room from a door off to the side that led to what passed for a kitchen in an officer's suite on a star destroyer. That wasn't right. In the three years they'd know each other Ren had seen Hux cook exactly never. 

He crept up and peered around the edge of the door. Hux was standing by the sink, back to him, headphones jammed in his ears. He was barefoot, stripped down to his uniform trousers and undershirt. The whole scene felt so overwhelmingly wrong that Ren almost missed the scent of roast porg wafting from the small space. That was wrong as well. Hux ate meat almost as often as he cooked.

"Hux?" 

Still no response. Ren stepped into the kitchen. His height advantage allowed him to look over the General's shoulder and take in the full magnitude of the situation. There was a porg alright. A whole roast porg in one of the takeaway cartons from the mess. Hux had the carton balanced on the edge of the sink and was tearing into the bird with his bare hands. His lips were shiny with grease and every so often he muttered something to himself that Ren couldn't quite make out but sounded distinctly obscene.

Against his better judgment Ren tapped him on the shoulder. Hux jumped a good six inches. Ren, with the foresight granted to him by his training and natural aptitude, anticipated that the roast would come flying at him half a second before it actually did. It wasn't enough time to dodge in such a small space, but it was enough time to activate his saber. The remains of the porg hit the beam of light and split neatly in two. The charred meat aroma already filling the room doubled. Hux yelped like a startled nexu.

"Karking hells Ren! Don't you ever com first? Why must you always sneak around like that?" Hux tore off his headphones and stared wide eyed at Ren's saber before he managed to deactivate it.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin your..." Dinner? Massacre? Ren wasn't sure how to classify what he'd just witnessed. It wasn't like him to apologize, but the whole situation was so bizarre that he'd been caught off guard. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine! Fantastic! Truly!" Hux grabbed a tea towel that had been draped over the faucet and started to wipe his hands so furiously Ren half expected him to draw blood. 

"Okay..." Ren let his skepticism draw the word out into a sentence in and of itself. He was well versed in mental instability and Hux's behavior was textbook insane.

"I'll get you a new porg?" He offered. He half expected Hux to pull a blaster on him considering the crazed look in his eyes. Ren really didn't want to have to kill him. They'd been getting along so well lately, and Hux was he only person on the ship not afraid to have sex with him.

"No, that's quite alright. I was done anyway. Thank you." He straightened up and smoothed down the front of his shirt the same way he always tugged at his uniform jacket when he was upset but trying not to show it.

Ren clipped his saber back to his belt. "What's all this about?" He indicated to the fallen roast with the toe of his boot but implied the situation at large.

"What's all what about?" Hux replied a little too quickly.

"Hux, you were standing over the kitchen sink eating a roast porg with your bare hands." Ren tried to soften his expression but suspected it wouldn't avail him of much. "Look, we've all been there at one point or another, but it's not usually a good sign as far as..." He touched his finger to his temple and cocked his head.

"As far as what?" Hux planted both hands on his hips and squared up like he had half a mind to smack him. "You think I'm mad" he concluded. " _You_ of all people think I'm kriffing well mad!" His voice rose until he was just shy of yelling. "Well I'll tell you what! I am mad. Mad as hell! Do you know who showed up as part of the delegation from HQ today? Admiral Brooks, that's who!”

Ren stood blinking, trying to come up with any way around the obvious question of who Brooks was and why it had unbalanced him so much. Fortunately for him Hux wasn't done.

"I'm going to murder him, Ren! I'm going to carve his damn guts out! You'll see!" 

He was trembling now, with rage or something else Ren couldn't be sure. He knew an opening when he saw one, though. Before Hux could react Ren gathered him against his chest. One hand came up to card through fiery hair while the other held the smaller man in place. 

"Okay, I get it" he soothed. "And if you really want to murder this Brooks I'll help you." 

"You'd do that?" Piercing green eyes stared up at him, shining with what looked disturbingly like tears. 

"Of course." Ren refrained from pointing out that he murdered people all the time in favor of adding "He clearly hurt you somehow. I can't allow that to continue." 

"Oh, it won't. Believe me." 

The sinister edge to Hux's voice made the hairs at the back of Ren's neck stand on end. He suppressed a shiver. 

"I believe you. Let's get you cleaned up first, though. Maybe a bit of sleep as well. It's not good to plan a murder when you're tired. I'd know." He guided Hux out of the kitchen towards the refresher. 

"You're patronizing me." Hux sounded almost sulky but allowed himself to be lead along, the fight seemingly gone out of him as quick as it had arrived. 

"Wouldn't dream of it." Ren pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head. Then he cupped his chin and tilted it up until their eyes met. "You're mine. And I will destroy anyone who hurts you." 

Hux appeared at a bit of a loss for once. "Promise?" He finally managed. 

Ren looked down at him and felt affection swell in his chest. "I swear it." 

Maybe he was the crazy one, pledging himself to a man he knew to be so vicious. Somehow they worked for each other, though. Ren wasn't about to let that go without a fight.


End file.
